Anything you can do...

New blog locale

2009-05-12T19:59:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone I have created a new blog so go check it out. http://throughthepicketfence.blogspot.com/ and become a follower pretty please.

THE POTTY PAGES vol. I

2009-05-07T22:37:00.002-05:00

So about a week ago I bought Adlay a her-size potty. She has shown an interest in “the ways of the bathroom” (not unlike the ways of the Jedi but that is another post for another time) and she turns 18 months old tomorrow *pauses to ShamWow the tears off her laptop keyboard* so I thought why not.

I have read the books, talked to people who have been there done that, and thought myself ready for the journey into Potty Land. For your Mapquest ponderences, Potty Land is just to the East of Sleeping Through the Nightville and a stone’s throw from Eating with Utensils Plains.

We began by decorating the potty, just like the books said people, something about ownership and making it special (read bizarre and mildly uncomfortable for me). So we, and by we I mean I, put stickers on it, painted her name on the top and let her ~~hinder~~ help me put it together and place it in her bathroom. We placed her favorite monkey, Bananas, on the potty to demonstrate how he “used” the potty. All the things the Potty Yodas told me to do.

So now we go sit on the elaborately decorated potty 20 minutes after breakfast, lunch and dinner every day with her clothes on, so she can get used to sitting. She doesn’t sit for more than a minute but still she sits. So according to the PYs (Potty Yodas) the next step is to sit on the potty sans lower half clothes. So we shall see what happens next.

Stay tuned for another riveting installment of the Potty Pages.

Oh and PS any and all advice is welcome. Potty Yodas can come from anywhere.

NO POO FOR YOU????

2009-04-30T21:10:00.006-05:00

I get the green movement. I myself have begun to recycle, and try to be more energy efficient. I buy organic milk and fruits and veggies. Whole Foods has become like my second home. However there are some things, even for Mother Earth I am not willing to do. There is this movement out there to go No Poo. Ok, eeewww get your mind out of the gutters, not that poo, shampoo.

I read about this on another blog, on the BabyCenter website and just had to share (and no I am not preggers so stop screaming, I was reading about potty training which will be for a later blog). There are people out there who have stopped shampooing their hair, in the name of nature. They claim that it makes your hair “better” after the 6 WEEK decontamination period. Uuuuummmm yeah my hair isn’t contaminated but after 6 weeks of no shampoo it would be. They claim that once your hair recovers from all the chemicals you put into it with shampoo and styling products it will look better than ever. There is no mention of how your family will recover from the smell, grease and general grossness of your unwashed mane.

I cannot go more than 2 days without washing my hair. I have never even tried to go more than 4 days without a good sudsing. Why would anyone want to? I mean beyond the grimy hair, if your skin is anything like mine, any extra oils and my face is broken out for days. So call me shallow if you will but this is one bandwagon I will not be jumping on, not even for the Greener Good…..get it….hahahhahaha.

I have been known to joke about not wanting to sit or commune with the unwashed mass but if this trend catches on I might just lock myself in my house and keep my little head of hair squeaky clean. I think Mother Nature will forgive me for this one offense in lieu of what not washing my hair will do to MY environment.

BEWARE OF DOG

2009-04-30T20:13:00.003-05:00

Anyone who has been to my house has most likely been met at the door by a small, wienie shaped ferociously barking dog. We always laugh and tell visitors fear not, her bark is worth than her bite. Well apparently we were wrong, very, very wrong.

Ever since we have moved into the new house Lizzy has spent most hours of the day, outside chasing the squirrels and chipmunks who once resided peacefully in the backyard. I found it humorous that Lizzy, who is by all accounts, a senior citizen, thought herself capable of catching one of our furry backyard inhabitants. Oh how I underestimated her.

On Saturday night we were having dinner at the table and we heard her barking up the tree she has now claimed as hunting ground. She heard a slight commotion, then…..silence. Michael got up to go check on her and found her “gift” left for us on the back porch. That’s right people; a deceased chipmunk lay on MY BACKPORCH, mere feet from my house. (no I did not photograph it….eeeewwww) Needless to say I flipped out!!!! My dog is a killer. I can’t even bring myself to figure out how she did it. My sweet little wienie dog is a chipmunk killer. It is a sad day indeed in the Rumore house.

MY MID-WEEK LOVE LIST vol 2

2009-04-22T16:37:00.007-05:00

So it has been awhile I know.......spare me

1. Living 5 minutes from EVERYTHING!!!
Thank the Lord on high that finally I am back where there are multiple grocery stores, shopping areas, park, libraries and restaurants within a 5-10 minute drive of my house! For the past 2 ½ years I have done the “Green Acres” thing, i.e. living in Chelsea which is a good 30 minutes from the major hub of Hoover, Vestavia Hills, Homewood, ect. and people I couldn’t do it. And yes 30 minutes is a long time when you have a less than enthusiastic 1-year-old in the back crying about her car seat confinement. Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue

2. Jimmy Dean Frozen Chicken Biscuits
Since my daughter has recently become major of I-Will-Eat-Next-To-Nothingville, these little frozen miracles have saved me from people in the grocery store calling DHR because it appears I am starving my child. I don’t know if these little biscuits are coated with LSD and frankly I don’t care. She will eat them without fuss or bribery of any kind so I buy them in bulk. She has had one every morning for the last 4 weeks, and occasionally for lunch and dinner. You are welcome Mr. Dean.

3. Leg Hugs
Since Adlay isn’t wasting her time with things like eating, she has lots of extra time on her hands and has decided the best use of that time would be to hug…..everyone and everything. Her new fav is to walk up behind you when you are doing some mundane task like laundry and wrap her little arms around your leg and squeeze. It will literally melt your heart. It’s as if she somehow psychically knows when you need a hug and will deliver several just for good measure.

4. Sewing
If you have seen my Facebook statuses recently you might know I have taken up sewing on a very basic level. I am getting better and have made several dresses and little capri pants for Adlay. What I love about it is the instant gratification. Within minutes pieces of random fabrics become a wearable, and quite cute I might add, outfit. In my daily world of repetitive “No”, “Don't touch that”, “Leave the dog alone” with minuscule signs of comprehension and progress from my little learner, an instant reward of something finished is a nice repose.

5. The McDonald’s Filet of Fish Commercial
So a few weeks ago, before the Tivo was set up we had to watch TV live *GASP*. It was during this time I saw a commercial that I laughed at hysterically for no discernable reason. It is the new Mikey D’s commercial. It is stupid and random and I can’t get enough of it. I freakin’ love it. Don’t judge me……see for yourself.

Peace out.
D

MY MID-WEEK LOVE LIST

2009-03-11T21:18:00.009-05:00

Since I have no TV and I am exhausted from a full day of childless packing I thought I would enlighten you to my most current favorite things.

1. Stopping Packing
OK so yes I am super excited to move back to civilization but DUDE how I hate this packing nonsense. For one thing it makes me kinda sick at how much “stuff” I have that I didn’t even know I had. I mean I am not a hoarder…yet, but I can scarily admit it could be a possibility. Webster’s is going to do a rewrite and list my face as the definition of acquisitive.

2. My Bare Minerals Makeup
My Mommy told me to try this brand and I freakin’ love it. Yeah it takes a little longer to put on and is kinda messy (read I’m a major clutz) but it is soooooo pretty. It stays on FOREVA and feels like nothing and if you are a female and have done an ubber makeup appie only to walk outside into the sauna that is an Alabama summer and have it MELT OFF YOUR FACE, you can appreciate that. There are loads of color for eyes and the yummiest blush colors. Lurve it

3. THIS FACE
Need I say more????? Seriously

4. My New Tuney Tunes
OK after you finish reading this most entertaining blog go to iTunes and search for A Fine Frenzy. It is awesomeness to your ears. The girl, who is the sole member, is 22 year-old Alison Sudol. Imagine if Jane Austen books had a soundtrack, she would every song. In a world where Britney Spears can inexplicably sell anything other than an unbreakable umbrella or buzz clippers *gags violently* this is a REAL singer/songwriter. I have been listening to this entire album for a week straight.

5. My New BADASS Iron Chef Kitchen
I will post some pics later but let me paint a visual picture for you. The walls are a vibrant red the likes of a beautifully ripe cherry tomato. The floors are hard wood stained a deep chocolate brown. The cabinets are custom made natural maple. The island…..HUGE!! The backsplash a combo of reds, browns and tan glass tiles of gloriousness. The appliances stainless steel and can I just talk about the 2, yes 2 cook tops. One is a traditional 5-burner gas cook top. The other, which Michael has already claimed as “his” is one like you find at a Japanese restaurant. SUHWEET!!! I am beginning to take reservations for dinners. YAY!!!

JUST A QUICKIE

2009-03-11T12:53:00.005-05:00

Dear Lane Kiffin,

You are a blathering idiot. Please keep your stupid big mouth shut or we will shut it for you come September. That is all.

Sincerely,

Every other SEC coach that is fed up with your shenanigans.

P.S. Having your Daddy consistently come to your rescue because you have no brain mouth filter is so middle school.

IF YOU GO WHERE SHALL I GO, WHAT SHALL I DO?

2009-03-10T13:36:00.001-05:00

They’re gone. At 9:30 this morning they came and took them. All of them. What has been taken you ask? MY TVs!!!!

Yes you read correctly all my TVs have been taken off the walls and moved to the new house. Gone…..only holes where the once shiny-large-brain mushing-plasma excellence once lived. So for at least the next week I will have no TV. Zero, nadda, none.

I will miss LOST, Ugly Betty, LOST, House, LOST, 24, CSI and did I mention LOST?!?!?!?!? What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Why don’t you just hook an old one up to basic cable you might ask? Well that would be fine if A) we had an old TV that would even work with basic cable or B) we had a basic cable supplier. We have neither so that is not an option.

Read a book some of you might say. Ummm have you tried holding anything in YOUR hands around a 16 month old….ever? Much less something that is of obvious interest to you so must therefore be fascinating, and what with pages that rip right out and can then be colored on……momma please. So not so much an option either.

Work on your smocking others of you might add. Yes, because if the aforementioned ripping of pages isn’t barrels of fun then scissors and sharp needles will be a riot. And least I fail to mention the string (properly called floss to those who smock) is never ending joy to a small child. Yeah so there will be none of that either.

Then pack you say. Uuuuuhhhh yeah I am sooooo over that. Not that I am done, or anywhere within rock throwing distance of done but I am just beyond over wanting to do it anymore. Next.

So see, I will from this moment on officially be bored silly, not to mention without a way to entertain my darling child while I attempt to make dinner or do some laundry or sit for 5 minutes and just day dream of days when I had a lovely large wonderful TV to watch and enjoy.

Well on the bright side, Alec Baldwin won’t eat my brains with a melon baller now. Tune in tomorrow. Same bat time, same bat channel.

A CHANGE IS GONNA COME

2009-03-10T08:33:00.001-05:00

For the past 4 days now Adlay has been sleeping much later than usual in the mornings. Normally she is up by 7:30 at the latest. Now it’s more like 9. I am so not complaining about this but rather wondering what to do with it. Because of this early rising she has been taking only one nap a day, after lunch and for like an hour and a half. Is this how she is going to transition from 2 naps a day to 1?

I have heard all different things from all different people. Some say she will do it on her own, others say I need to guide her into the 1 daily nap. The thing is I am not sure I want her to go to one nap. I liked the morning nap because that was my time to take a shower, do the dishes or some laundry or go back to sleep myself. Now I am having to get up before her and do all this stuff because you might not know this but it is impossible to ~~shower, laundry, wash dishes, breathe~~ do much of anything whilst a 16 month old is awake.

Not to mention in the coming days, that’s right days people, we will be moving. I am sure that will disrupt her sleep patterns like a freight train. Plus she will be starting swimming lessons in a few weeks and if this continues she will have to be woken to eat breakfast and get to said lessons, so there is another wrench in this new sleeping situation.

So do I wake her up or let her sleep in? Then what happens when we need to go somewhere in the mornings? I am at a loss. Mommies help me out here. What did you do with yours once they started showing signs of changing their nap schedule? Advice people…..

LITTLE BOYS AND THIER TOYS

2009-02-05T21:13:00.003-06:00

Let the trash talkin’ begin…....oh wait it already has. Today ~~Lame~~ Lane Kiffin showed his ass and called out arguably 2 of the most powerful coaches in all of college football. He basically called Urban Meyer a cheater and Nick Saban a punk recruiter. What an idiot. (somewhere Fat Phil is 20 lbs. lighter because he has laughed half his ass off)

How stupid do you have to be to go after these 2. If you are trying to prove you can hang with the big boys, this is sooooo not the way to do it. This doesn’t prove anything other than you are a big mouthed, no-class moron.

You have NOTHING, ZIP, NADA, ZILCH to back up your big smack-talking mouth. You have not coached game 1 in the SEC and you want to go toe to toe with the 2 best coaches before you even get to spring practice?!?!!? Dude are you freakin’ nuts????

And you Lance Thompson…challenging Nick Saban to a recruiting duel??!? What kinda drugs are you on, and can I have some? I hate to tell you that if you go head to head against Nick Saban, you will lose, every time. He obviously doesn’t need you to land a #1 recruiting class. Not one recruit that “you” helped get left after you did. Needless to say I don’t think they were coming to UA just because of you.

This is the classic saga of the little kid who always gets picked last for kickball one day deciding to stand up to the bigger, faster, stronger kids on the playground. In my recollection it usually doesn’t end well for the little guy.

See you boys in October.

PAGING DR. MOM

2009-02-02T18:18:00.002-06:00

This past week was a rough one. My little monkey was a sick, pitiful little girl. She had a nasty stomach bug that I know she got from me, that I got from someone, probably at the grocery store since I am there about every other day and EVERYONE has to come tell me how cute my daughter is, as if I don’t know this, and bring their germy hands and face into our personal space somewhere.

This was the first time she was really sick. We have been through the sniffles but this was real Momma can’t kiss it, make it better with a bit of cake, some extra hugs and a special juice cup sick. It was unbearable to see her like that.

I knew being a Mom was gonna be tough. Sleepless nights, whinny days, temper tantrums, and general mother-daughter battles, but no one told me about this. I have literally cried myself to sleep the past week because I couldn’t make it better.

Momma’s are supposed to be magical. We can heal scraped knees with a CareBear Band-Aid and a kiss We scare away the scariest under-bed-monsters and tell the most fanciful bedtime stories, but I could do nothing for her to make her feel better. We watched countless hours of Backyardigans and Ratatouille. I hugged her and kissed her and gave her all the popsicles and juice she wanted. I fixed her favorite meals and sang her lullabyes and held her until she feel asleep in my arms from exhaustion.

She is all better now and back to her happy wonderful self and I have come to realize I am in fact, not Super Mom. I am a damn good Mom, but even I have my limits. Boys will break her heart, friends will hurt her feelings, and her Daddy will make her so mad she will spend hours in her room crying. All that I can handle just spare me from anymore sick baby. It is just too heartbreaking to see, even for a hard-ass like me.

OH COME ON NOW...

2009-01-30T15:09:00.003-06:00

Dear GA,
I tried to make this easy on the both of us but you apparently had no intention of playing fair. I asked you not to try and win me back and now you have gone and dragged Addison into this. She left you a long time ago. She, like me, is trying to move on. She has her new life in a new city and here you go dragging her back to Seattle when the threat of losing another is just too much to bear. How shameless can you be?

And if that isn’t enough I hear through the grapevine Izzy is sick so I look like the bad guy for leaving a sick, potentially fatally so, friend alone in her time of need. Nice, really classy. And don’t even get me started on that little stunt you pulled with Sloan and Little Grey. Seriously have you no decency left?

Well it won’t work. I told you before my life is very busy and I have no time for your shenanigans. JJ and Damon have me quite wrapped up in trying to figure out a way to get THE 6 back to the island. I am dealing with time-traveling quantified physics for crips sake. I don’t have time for Crazy Emotionally Unstable Bailey and broken wankers.

Please just let me go. There are plenty of others out there who are willing to follow you down whatever twisted hallway you lead them. You are just making yourself look foolish and it’s really just sad.

Sincerely,
Donya

OH TO BE LOVED BY A CHILD

2009-01-22T19:58:00.005-06:00

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

As many know, Adlay has been called Monkey from the day she was born. It happened very genuinely and it has lead to a collection of monkeys to rival Jane Goodall's, but there is one, above all the others, that she loves the most. Bananas is his name and he was given to her by my parents about 1 year ago. Bananas goes EVERYWHERE with her. They take every nap together, play together, she begins and ends every day with Bananas by her side. So as you can imagine he has been loved very long and very hard and has begun to show the wear of that love.

So seeing that Bananas would need to be apart of her life for many year's to come, I purchased Bananas 2 in case the tragic day came when we needed a replacement. When Bananas 2 arrived today I was taken aback by how much Bananas the Original has changed. His color is dulled, his fur is matted, his stuffing is worn and his neck is threadbare because of constant hugs from a precious little girl who loves him dearly.

All this made me think how wonderful and pure is the love of a child. Adlay loves Bananas unconditionally. She finds comfort in his presence and she doesn't think twice of his worn and tired appearance. She doesn't care what he looks like, she just knows he is always around and brings her joy and companionship.

If only we all could love as a child does. Without prejudice, without judgement, just love no questions asked. Wouldn't that be a wonderful world indeed?

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

NOT JUST ANOTHER DEAR JOHN LETTER

2009-01-10T20:37:00.002-06:00

My Dearest Grey’s Anatomy,

This will be the hardest letter I have ever had to write but the time has come for it to happen. I really think we have reached the end of our relationship. I think we should start seeing other people. I know this may come as a shock to you but hear me out.

I have stuck by you through the rough times, the civil war replica bomb, the surprise ex-wife, the organ stealing, the ferry crashes, the OR ceilings caving in caused by massive indoor plumbing issues and the Kevorkian interns but lately you have just become too demanding. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. I mean all the high school-esce fighting, the doc-swap-a-thon and for God’s sake Izzy knockin’ boots with a ghost, it’s just too much. My life is already so full I can’t handle another Calli, semi-pro lesie relationship or Mark sleeping with one more random person.

You are so foreign to me lately that you it’s like you are freakin’ Chinese and now you ask me to follow you whilst you save a serial killer. No my dear, this is one rabbit hole I don’t think I can go down with you.

Oh I will always cherish our good times. The time when Bailey sang me a lullabye, all the times we danced it out, the time you made me the house out of candles, and the music. Oh the music. You brought such wonderful new melodies into my life and for that I will always be thankful. Even after all this I still think it is best for the both of us if we go our separate ways.

Please don’t make this harder than it already is by trying to lure me back with empty promises of how you can change and how it will be better this time if you have one more chance. I don’t want this to be awkward, so if we see one another from time to time let’s just resolve to smile, nod and go about our business. I know you will find someone new who will fall for you the way I once did. I just hope that you can find the strength to pull yourself together, for your own sake. Take care my old friend. Maybe one day we will cross paths again.

Love,
Donya

All my learnin’ can’t save me now.

2008-12-29T16:10:00.003-06:00

I would say that I am moderately intelligent. I can usually figure most things out with ease and have pretty decent standardized test scores and did well in school, but even I must admit defeat at the hands of my child’s new toys.

No, no it isn’t because I can’t figure out how to work them and play with them with her, or where and how the batteries go in. No, my failure comes because I do not have the mechanical engineering degree it takes to get them out of the DAMN BOX.

Seriously toy makers is it necessary to have a child’s toy so secure in a box that by the time you find where the box actually opens, navigate the twist ties, plastic straps built by NASA and the ridiculous amount of packaging materials the kid doesn’t even care that the toy is there anymore.

No lie, I almost cut my femoral artery as I stood atop one cardboard box of death trying to pry free the LeapFrog Guitar. I spent longer on Christmas morning getting stuff out of these maniacal contraptions, than I did actually playing with my daughter and her toys. I am pretty sure it would be easier to get a kilo of crack, than it was to get her Fisher Price Singing Grocery Cart out of its packaging.

Bring the troops home because the weapons of mass destruction are not in Iraq or Afghanistan, they were apparently under my Christmas tree and are now strewn about my living room.

SO THIS IS HOW IT ENDS?

2008-12-08T12:01:00.001-06:00

I am not going to wax poetically about how proud I am of the Tide, about how this season has been a victory no matter what or how we should be happy with even being in a BCS bowl game. All that is a given. Putting all that aside, I am still disappointed.

I am not disappointed in my team, I am let down by how it all went down. The Sugar bowl is fine. We lost (even though I still get ill over how our 1 lose is any worse than anyone else's', but whatever). I will have to deal with someday, but UTAH????? Freakin' Utah???? Are you kidding me? This is the "reward" we get for a perfect season, losing only once to one of the top teams in the nation. We get Utah???? The Hell???? We schedule teams like Utah for Homecoming. (Somewhere Reilly says, WTF???)

We gain NOTHING by playing Utah. If we win, big deal, we should. If we lose, everything we have done this season will be forgotten. This ridiculous system of promised slots to non-BCS teams is infuriating. That is the ONLY reason Utah is in this game. They haven't played anyone of note and if they didn't have an agreement with the Sugar bowl they wouldn't be there.

We deserve to play Texas, (don't even get me started on how they should be in Miami) or Ohio State or even Penn State for God's sake. Utah????? We got Utah??????

I'm sorry, maybe I am being an elitist bitch but we are better than this. We have done the impossible this year and we should be playing a team that is of the same stature as us. Sorry Utes, you don't fit that role. I applaud your undefeated season but let's be honest, you are in the Mountain West Conf. I don't even know where the MWC begins and ends. I couldn't name another team in the MWC. Not exactly a power-house conference. They are a good team, but still I am not the least bit excited by this matchup. *Yawn*

If we are going to stick with this retarded BCS system than we have to get rid of the bowl agreements that makes games like this happen. The top teams should play each other. Period. The End. I can deal with us not going to Miami, but the Sugar bowl versus a non-BCS school is a pitiful parting gift. Pick one NCAA. Either have the BCS all the way and have the best versus the best, or move to a playoff. I care not which way you go, but for the love we deserve better. We have earned that much.

VICTORY IS MINE!!!!

2008-12-04T21:16:00.000-06:00

Ok so I didn't really have anything to do with this but I will revel in the glory none-the-less. Today a California court has ordered the makers of those atrocious Bratz dolls to stop making them. No, not because they are in THE WORST of taste, but because Carter Bryant apparently stole the idea for them whilst working at Mattel.

So effective immediately the MGA company responsible for the entire Bratz doll line has to stop production and even.....wait for it......remove the ones from the store shelves by the end of the year. I know my local Wal-Mart will be thrilled that they no longer have to call clean-up on isle 5 because I THREW UP as I walked down the toy isle and saw these little-half-clothed-white-trash-plastic abominations. (I probably used to many hyphens there but I get light headed thinking about how awful these dolls are.)

Rejoice people of the world. No longer will i have to fear that some jack-hole will buy my daughter one of these God-forsaken things or any of the blasted accessories. I can only hope that Mattel will not re-open production of these "dolls". Barbie has done just fine on her own for the last 50 years.

Who needs it...

2008-11-26T18:18:00.000-06:00

In an effort to de-clutter, I am now beginning to rid myself of unnecessary items in my house and I shall begin with any type of floor cleaning apparatus. I obviously no longer need it because I have a 1 year old and a dog.

Adlay's ability to find the most microscopic pieces of lint, dust, paper and even those little ends of the the plastic thingy that hold a price tag on your clothes is remarkable. I am not sure if this is a gift or a curse. While it makes me marvel at how good her vision must be, I often find myself feeling guilty that I didn't get it off the floor before she had the chance to find it an inevitably stick it in her mouth, ear or nose.

As for the dog, Lizzy, I never have a chance. I know dogs can hear well but seriously she is under-foot in the kitchen before the food hits the floor. She then proceeds to lick the floor to make certain there is no trace of said food left. She and her new BFF are quite the pair. Adlay has learned that if she drops food on the floor, Lizzy comes running and apparently this is highly amusing. So by the time I have feed Adlay 3 meals a day, my kitchen floor is hospital grade clean.

Therefore I have multiple Swiffers, a very nice Hoover vacuum cleaner and various floor dusting items I will not be needing for the foreseeable future. Also, if you need thorough floor cleaning services I might be willing to let you borrow my dynamic duo. Mr. Clean, that annoying Pine-Sol lady and those scrubbing bubbles have nothing on these two. You supply the dirt and crumbs, my two will gladly pick it up and eat.

I give you far warning....

2008-11-23T22:32:00.000-06:00

*Disclaimer* If you are one of "those" people who lets your child run about like a rabid jungle rat, DO NOT read this blog. It will offend you and you will probably call Santa and have me put on the naughty list. I MEAN IT. If you have zero control over your minor children, DO NOT READ THIS.

The following is a true story. Names have not been changed because the dumb ass people in this story don't deserve protection.

Dear Freaking Clueless Woman Who Ill-advisably Decided to Birth Offspring Even Though You Clearly Have No Business Having Children,

I understand that you are completely inept at this motherhood gig, even though that has obviously not stifled your ability to continue to birth little hellions but here is a bit of advice. Keep your crusty nosed, ill-behaved, germ monkey away from my daughter. Should your little sewer rat come near my child whilst we wait for her Daddy after Mass, I will be forced to take the appropriate counter measures. I do not want to have to forcefully push him away from my germ free baby, but push I shall if he reaches for her pristine hand with his snotty unwashed appendage. I will not apologize for hurting his overly dramatic feelings by telling him to go away and find his clueless breeder because he is not welcome in our personal space. He is not cute, it is not OK and I do not accept your insincere apology. You are not sorry for him running a muck in the church foyer. If you were you would take his hellion behind to the ladies room and beat it black and blue like my Mother did. As you can CLEARLY see other people are looking at you with the same distain as me, the only difference is I don’t feel the need to spare your feelings by not telling you that you are raising an obnoxious backwoods hillbilly. Let this serve as your warning. I will feel no remorse for any embarrassment on your part, or that of your ridiculous sock-footed heathen. Get control of your son. Stop letting him literally roll on the floor of the Lord’s house and for the love of all the children in Africa stop acting like there is something wrong with me for calling you on your idiocy. Our next encounter, I assure you, will not be this cordial.

Sincerely,
Donya

The most wonderful time....

2008-11-21T00:00:00.001-06:00

The search is over. I have found it. Heaven in a cup, Nectar of the Gods, nay The Elixir of Life. It is the Chick-fil-A seasonal shake, the Peppermint Chocolate Chip creation of blissful goodness. It is this creamy cup of brilliance with ever so tiny bits of chocolate and peppermint. All this is not complete without the absurd amount of whipped cream and the proverbial cherry on top. Starbucks beware. The cows are after your monopoly on the seasonal beverage.

2008-11-18T15:50:00.000-06:00

OK, so I know it's Christmas season and there are 920,751 new toys out there and they ALL have commercials, however some of these toys are FREAKISH and just plain WRONG.

May I introduce to you the Fisher Price Little Mommy Gotta Go Doll

This is a doll that pees and poops, which in and of itself isn't that bad, I mean I had a Baby Alive, but this doll has sounds AND visuals. It has a little potty and when you put the doll on said potty there are peeing and wait for it......plopping noises. That's right, there are actual plop sounds. And if that isn't bad enough when you pick up the doll there, in the potty is pee and yep, you guessed it, poop! There on this little flipping disk thing is a picture of two little pieces of fecal matter on a yellow pee colored background. WHO IN GOD'S NAME THINKS OF THIS STUFF.

Oh but that isn't the worst of it. People meet the most offensive child’s doll EVER!!!

The BRATZ dolls are horrible little Barbie sized dolls with oversized heads and dress like, well street walkers. Now from the evil genius minds of MGA comes BRATZ BABY. These "babies" have glitter diaperish clothing and bejeweled bottle holder, makeup and ridiculous hair. I know Barbie had her faults of not being proportionately correct but at least she had clothes and ambition. She was an astronaut for God's sake.

I am just going to put this out there, if you buy these or any toys like them, you are a bad parent. There I said it. The only way the toy makers will stop making these disgusting and flat out heinous toys is if you stop buying them. Whatever happened to stuffed animals, and trains and God forbid A BOOK. I DARE someone to buy this crap for my daughter and actually think it will be allowed in my house.

Stop it for the love of Pete

2008-10-28T16:38:00.000-05:00

Bama fans stop the madness. Stop using the stupid RTR abbreviation for Roll Tide Roll. We don't teach our kids to yell RTR at games. We don't yell in unison RTR at each kickoff. Please stop it. It makes you sound like an idiot and makes the baby Jesus cry. Roll Tide now and forever.

Game 1 Rewind

2008-08-31T19:46:00.000-05:00

That’s the way…uh huh….uh huh…I like it.

The offensive line

FINALLY. Thank you Lord that we finally have a group of guys that will block for JP and our running backs so they can do their jobs. Gone are the days of Justin Britt and Chris Capps who were completely useless at best. Andre Smith is the man and Antoine Caldwell and Marion Davis are just as good, if not better than we expected. JP looks more comfortable in the pocket than he ever has. Our running backs have time to see the holes and let the plays develop and all that adds up to yards, yards and more yards.

The Defense

So I will admit I was worried about our defense. They are young and lack upperclassman leadership. Well rest easy BAMA faithful because they are light years ahead of where I expected them to be at this point. The veterans are stepping up and the young guys are making their names known. I LOVE Javier Arenas as a cornerback. Terrence Cody is a beast and heaven help the poor lineman that gets in his way. There is depth here, oh yes. This group of supposed question marks SHUT DOWN the top ranked duo of running backs in the country. No thunder or lightning on this beautiful Saturday night.

The Newcomers

We all knew they were going to make an impact, but who would have guessed it would be like this. Marcel Dareus was in people’s face all night. Mark Barron was putting pressure on a rattled Clemson offense like it was a fun little hobby. Again, Terrence Cody…beast. Julio, of course, looked very promising. Then there is my new football crush of 2008, Mark Ingram. He pounded out yards like his was a steam roller, and who doesn’t love watching people get steam rolled?!

I am so excited by what I saw last night. There was passion, there was an ease in the execution and most of all there was fun. I have no idea where this train ride is gonna end but I am psyched about going for the ride. ROLL TIDE!!!

FINALLY

2008-08-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

One day until Bama kicks off again. Thank you God!! Guys dust off your flask and straighten your ties. Ladies polish those pearls and shine up those heels, football season is FINALLY HERE!! See ya at the Bear's house.

Back Where I Come From....

2008-06-04T10:38:00.000-05:00

So I was at the Tim McGraw concert last night and he was singing one of his new songs called Southern Voice and a thought accrued to me. I am so lucky to be a Southerner! I have always said I love living in Alabama but I have never really quantified why. So here are my reasons there is no better place to live and raise a family than the South.

1. The Weather- OK so I don’t necessarily mean the middle of August when it is hotter than Satan’s living room out but there are 2 other times of year that can’t be beat.

Early Spring in the South is beyond gorgeous. The temp outside is Heaven and the Dogwood trees and tulips are in bloom. I can remember walking to class at UA in early April and thinking there is no more beautiful place on Earth.

My other favorite time of year is early Fall. Not just because football season kicks off but, when the leaves on the trees change to those beautiful reds, oranges and golds it is like God took a paint brush and painted the trees for us to enjoy. The warm weather is still around, slightly, and that crisp Fall wind is so invigorating.

2. The People- I consider myself well traveled. I have been a lot of places both in the US and abroad and I have never found a better people than Southerners. Any other place you go in the world you get strange looks or even harsh words when you speak to strangers on the street, but not in the South. It is almost expected for you to at least acknowledge your fellow man when passing by. Do we have our moments of rudeness, sure. But as a whole Southern people are the best in the world.

3. The Passion- Whether it be for our team or our family a Southerner will fight to the death for things they hold dear. Growing up I never questioned what things were important to my parents, God, family, country. They taught me to value those things and defend them always. Southerners have a passion for life that I think is unmatched anywhere else.

4. The Land- I am going to reference Alabama here because that is what I know best. I love the fact that within one state I have mountains and seashore. I cannot wait for my daughter to grow up so I can show her this great state we call home. We can travel north to the tree covered Lookout Mountain or head south to the beautiful white sand beaches of the Gulf Coast. There is so much to explore throughout the South and I can’t wait to share it with my kids.

Being from and living in the South is a different way of life. It’s a slower, kinder way of cherishing everyday. A place where you actually know your neighbors. A place where faith and family is still most important. A place where kids can grow up around nature and enjoy the great outdoors. I truly believe I am Southern by the Grace of God and wouldn’t have it any other way.

PS- Tim’s new song Southern Voice referenced both Scarlet O’Hara and Bear Bryant in one song……..I’m sold!